Three Lions who won’t be making the trip to South Africa

Three Lions who won’t be making the trip to South Africa

This week, in my continuing quest to help England to glory I’m taking another analytical gander at Capello’s  squad.

This time though, instead of having a dig at those who’ve been included, I’ll concentrate on a trio of unfortunates who’ve been tragically overlooked.

These guys might not be superstars, but sometimes in moulding a team you have to look beyond the obvious. Mine is a simple plan – go for the unexpected and confuse the opposition, confuse the opposition and the cup is as good as ours.

So put away your prejudices, and consider these dark horses:

Kevin Davies. Not for his footballing ability, that would be silly. No, the reason we need KD is because he’s such a hunk (my wife’s words, not mine). Going all the way back to when Peter Osgood duped his way into the team, we’ve always had at least one dreamboat in the side. They don’t have to be any good – think Collymore, Geoff Thomas and Warren Barton – but they do have to be pretty. Why? Well, a token Adonis will always grab the limelight, both on and off the pitch, and while they get all the attention it leaves the ugly lads more space and time on the ball.

Putting my gratuitously sexist hat on for a minute; a good-looking lad gives the ladies an excuse to watch the games too. With eleven Peter Beardsleys playing at Italia ’90 we would have spanked those pesky Germans, but apart from Beardo’s missus and maybe his mum, I doubt too many women would’ve tuned in to watch it.

Barrie Wardrobe. Barrie who? I hear you ask. Who he?

Let me enlighten you. Barrie Wardrobe played a couple of games for Sunderland and 27 times for Hartlepool back in the ‘80’s and to this day, there hasn’t been a footballer with a dafter name. West Ham’s Marco Boogers and Newcastle’s Brian Pinas could’ve been contenders, but they’re foreigners, so don’t count.

Barrie’s inclusion fits perfectly with my masterplan for creating confusion; let’s face it, playing a Wardrobe up front would bamboozle even the cutest Brazilian tactician. The fact that he’s now a 46 year old estate agent only adds to his mystique and apparently he’s still lethal against a flat pack four.

Joking aside though, he has to be a better option than Emile Heskey.

Gary Neville. I’m not serious about Neville. I just want to see his face when Capello picks him, then at the last minute, tells him he hasn’t made the cut.

Not that I’m expecting the big Italian to take my advice, because funnily enough he completely ignored my last article. This means one of two things; either he hasn’t been logging on to the Littlewoods website or he considers my opinion to be worthless.

I know both scenarios are hard to believe, but it’s a funny old world (cup) sometimes.

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6 Comments

  1. Posted by KE17H on June 7, 2010

    “we’ve always had at least one dreamboat in the side”

    We’ve already got one: Keeper ‘A’, the curly haired neolith – he’s not the best goalie in the world, either, so ticks all the boxes, yours and the ladies’.

  2. Posted by Lesley on June 8, 2010

    About Barrie Wardrobe. He actually lived and played football in South Africa for some time, based in J’burg. He’d be great on the team and would certainly have the older South Africans onside 🙂

  3. Posted by Barrie Wardrobe on June 8, 2010

    i am still alive and kicking and waiting for a call up if there any injuries! and yes I did play in South Africa. Bw

  4. Posted by The real BW! on June 8, 2010

    Woah woah woah there, I’m Barrie Wardrobe!

    But the fake one is correct, I am alive and kicking and did indeed play football in South Africa.

  5. Posted by Barrie Wardrobe on June 10, 2010

    I’m Barrie Wardrobe!

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