World Cup Squad Announced. Unfortunately.

World Cup Squad Announced. Unfortunately.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. In fact, to be on the safe side; put both hands in front of your face and read the rest of this article through the gaps in your fingers.

Because Fabio Capello has just announced his provisional World Cup squad, and to be frank, there are some bone-chillingly horrible inclusions.

I tell you what; I’ll highlight the five members who are baffling me the most, but I won’t name names. That way, Littlewoods won’t get into hot water with irate mums, agents or libel lawyers and I won’t get any grief from them.

They’re all in Capello’s provisional 30, but under no circumstances should they be pulling on those lovely new England shirts come June. See if you can identify the international wannabes I’m talking about from the list below.

Player ‘A’: Goalkeeper. Strangely coiffured clanger-dropper who seems to have been around since neolithic man put those big goalposts up at Stonehenge. He has managed to make every squad in the last 200 years because a) he’s English. b) he’s willing, and c) he has nice teeth.

Player ‘B’: Centre Back. Wound up half the nation a while back when he wrote that playing for England always means more to the southern lads. Fellow Liverpudlians Wayne and Stevie doubtless had something to say about that at the time. I won’t attempt the vernacular, but I’m guessing “soft” and “lad” came into it somewhere.

Player ‘C’ Midfielder. Small, fast. Struggles to get a game for his club yet some reckon he should be the highest paid sportsman in the universe. Usually scores one spectacular goal a season to con us into thinking we have the new Pele on our hands.

Player ‘D’ Striker. Big, slow. The line that’s generally peddled by the pundits is that he’s a great foil for the more dynamic strikers that he partners.  Apparently, this makes him the most complete foil we’ve ever had. And I wouldn’t argue with that.

Player ‘E’ Demigod. Not particularly tall but fast, strong and extremely effective. Scores and creates goals for fun. Widely considered to be one of the best players in the world.

Did you see what I did there? I ran out of duffers so added a ringer to make up the numbers. Which suggests maybe Mr Capello might know what he’s doing after all. I mean, he’s not serious about letting players A to D on the plane is he?  He just picked them to give people like me something mildly contentious to write about.

Anyway, in my next blog I’ll contrast these picks with five players who should have been in the squad.

All in my humble opinion of course, which I’m sure fabulous Fabio respects enormously.

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  1. Posted by Sarah on May 25, 2010

    Any thoughts after last night then Dave? Couldn’t stand the tedium myself, so flipped to Chelsea Flower Show!

  2. Posted by Michael on May 25, 2010

    Once again, a fairly good first eleven, but not much in reserve.