Thank you Mr Müller, you’ve done us a massive favour

Thank you Mr Müller, you’ve done us a massive favour

How are we all feeling? Angry, depressed, suicidal? Well, don’t reach for those cyanide pills just yet, because I have a feeling we’ll look back on Heartbreak Sunday in a year or two and raise a toast to our old German adversaries.

No folks, I’m not still feeling the effects of that funny mushroom milkshake I had at Glastonbury; I genuinely believe that the horror show in Bloemfontein did have a few redeeming points:

  • It prevented us becoming loathed all over the world. We were gaining a reputation for being a dour, difficult to beat side that hardly scored a goal. Now suspend your disbelief for a minute and imagine if we’d continued playing so woefully yet somehow managed to win the thing – it would’ve been knuckle-gnawingly embarrassing – I’m sorry, but in my book there’s no glory in winning ugly.
  • More realistically, it saved us a walloping at the hands of Argentina. Losing by a three goal margin to Germany was humiliating enough, but a five or six goal drubbing would not only have set us back years but also subjected us to the sight of David James crying like a big girl.
  • It surely hastened the departure of that stubborn so-and-so Capello. Arrivederci Fabio, you’ve given us a smidgen of pleasure and a whole lot of grief, so please just take your twelve million and disappear into the sunset.
  • It was a kick up the backside that might make us take a serious look at how we run the Premier League.  Let’s not pussyfoot around with quotas for English born players in every bloated squad, we should insist on having nine of our boys in each side’s starting XI, all with sensible haircuts. Let’s make it 5 points for a win and minus 2 for a scoreless draw. And to make sure our players aren’t too jaded the next time they jet off to play overseas, let’s provide beds on the touchline so they can have a nice rest.
  • It provided the solution of what do with Frank Lampard. Drop him. From a very tall building.
  • And hope Mathew Upson is walking underneath at the time.
  • It will mean we redouble our efforts to win the 2018 bid. Hosting the big one brings all kinds of benefits; upgraded stadiums, improved transport links, crazy Dutch blokes wearing wacky wigs in Trafalgar Square, gorgeous Brazilian girls wearing next to nothing outside Old Trafford etc. But most importantly, as the host nation, it would mean we wouldn’t have to qualify.
  • And finally, it means that the coolest retailers out there – such as – can suddenly offer some fantastic deals on England merchandise.

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So you see, it might not have been pretty, but it wasn’t a total disaster!


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