Don’t panic, five points will see us through

Don’t panic, five points will see us through

Was that the worst 90 minutes of football in the history of English football? Yes readers, it really was that bad. In fact, it was worse than bad, it was excruciating, just… just… oh I don’t know, words fail me.

 Anyway, I won’t dwell on the performance, you’re probably sick of reading and hearing about it and there’s not a lot I can say that hasn’t been whinged about already.

 I do, however, have a five point plan for getting us out of this mess. A plan that’s brave, fiendishly simple and even if I say so myself, quite brilliant.

 Here’s what we do:

 1)    Propose a vote of no confidence in the top brass at the English FA. A national referendum might be tricky to pull off before the Slovenia game, so to hurry things along, let’s just ask the first football fan we stumble across. Me, for example.

 2)    Right, so now that I’ve voted them out I need to quickly find their replacements. For simplicity’s sake, let’s just appoint me.

 3)    The first thing I do is sack Capello. Hand him the twelve million quid it takes to buy out his contract. Let him keep the company Ferrari, helicopter and ocean-going liner, shake his hand, drive him to the airport and wave him off to Milan.

 4)    Now to appoint his successor. My heart says I should get the job but my head reckons we probably need someone with a tad more experience. Step forward, Stuart ‘Psycho’ Pearce. A colossus of a man who has more spirit and fight in one of his little toenails than the entire XI that lined up against Algeria. Pearce has cut an increasingly frustrated figure as he’s sat on the bench watching the Italian master at work. Outwardly, he’s kept a dignified silence, but all the time his body language is screaming “NO FABIO, NO! YOU. DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING”. In truth, it’s actually saying something far more colourful than that, but you catch my drift.

5)    So Psycho takes control. He gets them snarling at the opposition, battling for every ball and chasing every lost cause.  He has them moving and passing (to each other). He drops Wright-Phillips and brings in Joe Cole, he bins Emile Heskey and plays Gerrard behind Rooney then kicks Capello’s ludicrous 4-4-2 so far into the Indian Ocean that it makes a splash off the west coast of Australia. He smashes egos, restores pride and instils belief. He brings his ghettoblaster into the dressing room and forces them to jump around to the Sex Pistols. He puts a smile back on their faces, and when they humble the Slovenians, he gets the nation smiling again too. With the momentum behind us, we go on to stuff the Germans in the next round, we then trounce Argentina, humiliate Brazil and walk all over Spain in the final. Pearce receives a knighthood and I get an MBE for having had the foresight to appoint him.

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Then I wake up. Keep the faith folks, it could be worse – we could be French.


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  1. Posted by Sarah on June 21, 2010

    Nice one Dave. I think you have the winning forumla cracked = smash egos, restore pride and instill belief. Could I suggest David Beckham for Pearce’s No 2? He seemed to want to ditch his suit and get his kit back on…

  2. Posted by Joel on June 21, 2010

    The next round could be Spain v Brazil and Italy v Holland, with the winners playing in the QFs. If only we can fluke a goal.